A Career Woman and A Housewife

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Thursday, April 14, 2005

Britney Spears and Spiders

So I am so totally STOKED, that Britney Spears is having a baby. I was beginning to get worried that she was just some white/trailer trash/form of a Starkysha. I was sccccurrred people. Anyways, so the Federfetus will probably pop out with a ugly, ass, already-greasy sized ponytail on the top of it's head (boy or girl), cigarette in hand, and a do-rag, however, it should be totally cute. Rock on Brit, hopefully this new little bundle of joy will take the down-right nasty grunge outta ya. (But really, I am excited about the baby - Hopefully she calls me to be the Godmother, since I am so excellent!).

On to the spiders. I will admit that I am arachnophobic. I am completely, entirely disgusted by spiders (and snakes, but haven't seen any of those), that I lose sleep over them. For some reason, our home has seen an infestation of a variety of spideys, big, small, short, tall, hairy, skinny, yucky, icky, ewey. These warm days, have brought all the types of spideys into my happy home. The first clue I had of their arrival was last weekend when I was on the phone with Pumpkinface's sister. I was lying on my bed, looked up at the ceiling and there it was, a spidey. I tend to scream bloody murder each time I see a spidey, so my parents were not worried. I called my mother upstairs. I have a catherdral-type ceiling in my room, so standing on a chair will not kill the spidey. My mom decided to get a wet, heavy rag to throw at it, hopefully knocking it down, and I was in charge of watching to see where it went. My mom threw the rag, I jumped, ran, and screamed (not watching to see where the spidey went, just getting the hell out of that room or it's path) and apparently, he ran into the light fixture. No getting him out of there. My mom convinced me that spidey would burn to death in the light fixture, and it was apparent to me that he could not get out, because I was able to see him through the clear light fixture... he was falling down.

That night I stayed at Eddie's and the next night he stayed at my house. I went up to my room to go to bed and sat there and pondered. Should I look up and see if I see the spidey, or just go to bed, knowing he fried to death. Well, I looked up and there he was! Spidey didn't die. At this point, it is 1:00 a.m. and I am pulling the desk chair out of my sister's room and standing on it, plotting how I am going to kill this S.O.B.. As I mentioned, the ceiling is too high for me to reach so I take a shoe, and decide that I am going to jump on the chair and hopefully smash the shit out of the spidey. It takes me ten mintues to get up the nerve to do this and I finally jump up, smack the ceiling, jump off the chair and scream and run across the room to my door. I look up and all there is is a leg stuck to the ceiling. One leg out of eight people. There is no spider. And I check the shoe... no spider their either. I panick, rip off my clothes, and am standing in my room at 1:00 a.m., barenaked, flipping the shit out of my hair. I look under my bed, under my books, under the pile of the clothes on the floor, no spidey, where can he be?

I decide that I am not sleeping in this room. I get my stuff, go downstairs in the basement where Pumpkinface sleeps (it's finished, please don't think we're cruel) because daddy doesn't allow him to stay with me until we are married, and I wake him up, crying. Yes, I am crying because I can not find the 7-leg spider that is somewhere in my room, obviously pissed off because I amputated one of his legs. I look on the steps in the basement and there is another spider! What is the freakin' deal people?! And it ain't spidey, b/c this one has all 8 legs, and it couldn't possible beat me down the stairs... no way. So yes, I sleep in the basement, and Spidey is apparently having a restful, one leg missing, slumber in my bed.


  • At 7:56 AM, Blogger A Career Woman and A Housewife said…

    So Brittany's really having offspring, you say. I've been seeing all the supermarket tabloids with Reese, Jessica and Brittany, exclaiming "Who's the Mommy?" but never found the time to actually pick one up to see for sure. Somewhere between Bella screaming for gum and Sophia trying to tear open a package of cookies she snagged from the buggie...it just totally slipped my mind. And I'm sure she will pick you for Godmother, I'll write my letter of recommendation ASAP.
    AND I'll never forget that time you were talking to me on your way to school a few years ago and that little white spider was in your car LOL, remember?

  • At 8:05 AM, Blogger Doug said…

    Not to cause any more undo sleepless nights, but my daughter has been studying spiders in school. She brings home all this stuff about spiders. Since my wife hates spiders almost as much as you do, I thought I would give a few good teases and read some of the comments. The one that freak her out the most was that we swallow an average of 6 spiders a year in our sleep. I don't think either my wife or daughter slept that night.

    Me, I'm more afraid of ants. They are smaller and you hardly eve notice when they are crawling over you.

  • At 9:00 AM, Blogger A Career Woman and A Housewife said…

    Okay Doug, I knew that... but did not need to hear it again.. I sleep in the bed two nights ago and thought about that constantly.. should I superglue my mouth? Will that work? Or do they crawl down your nose?
    -Career Woman

    Nikki, I do remember the damn spider in my car... and I took it to my dad at work and luckily he had a shop-vac at work and I made him suction the entire car to be spidey free!

  • At 11:31 PM, Blogger Erin said…

    oh, seriously, we are related. we have to be.

    i swear that i have done the same thing, excpet i went and woke my mom up (a doesn't sleep over..haha) and she just about knocked the living shit out of me for doing so.

    my room is bright yellow, and so spiders tend to stand out really well.

    my favorite was when i was in the bathroom and i went to use the handtowel hanging on the wall, and i pulled it off and there is hugeness of a spider hiding behind it. i threw the towel, knocked the curling iron off the counter and practically plowed over my sister to get out of that bathroom.

    i also had a dream once that a trantula was on my alarm clock and my mom had to come wake me up because i was crying and yelling.

    we are winners.

  • At 7:16 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

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