A Career Woman and A Housewife

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Friday, July 01, 2005

An Open Letter to Allergies

Um, Hi.

How you begin a letter to something not tangible is beyond me, but I will give it one hell of a Career Woman try. You, allergies, have caused "not nice things" to secrete from every orpheus on my face. You depreciate the value of summer for me. You depreciate the value of having a pool and the need for a nice sun-based tan. And you depreciate the walk out of my garage door to my car. You also depreciate the value of me spending just a little bit extra on my car in order to enjoy automatic windows and a sunroof. I am not able to put down a window or crack my sunroof because in order to drive, one must see. A person can not physically open their eyes and sneeze at the same time. Therefore, when I sneeze, my eyes shut, and considering this occurs every 3-4 seconds during a car ride with windows and sunroofs cracked, I can not see to drive. You have made me a hazard for the city of New Castle. Not only does sneezing incompacitate my vision, but so does itchy, watery eyes. Typically when I get the allergy itch in my eye, I use my freshly vietnamese painted manicured finger nail to scratch the little corners where my eye boogers form leaving them bloodshot red instead of the beautiful baby blue they are known and loved for. What I have half the mind to do is grab the nearest butcher's knife, saw, needle, or razor blade and dig every essence of it's sharpness into my eye socket. But I don't. Instead my dear allergies, I attempt to medicate myself via a cocktail of allergy medicine. This cocktail that I tend to enjoy better than a fresh Olive Garden italian margarita or the el presidente from Chili's includes: 2 Zyrtec, 4 dribbles of eye drops, and nosespray. What a lovely pharmacy I carry in my little Coach purse on a beautiful summer day. After my allergy cocktail, I am quite a sight to be seen. My eyes are tearing, my make-up is watering, and a full blown sneeze attack is warranted after a quick spray. I am a pretty girl dear allergies - you make me not so pretty. I do appreciate you for something however... I am fully aware of Pumpkinface's unconditional love and devotion, because seeing me in this state with watery bloodshot eyes, water pouring out of my nose would likely make any well-deserving man to turn his head and run, but not my Pumpkinface, he hands me a tissue and away we go. But he has some complaints for you as well...Pumpkinface and I have "sleep overs," if you will. My allergies are know to be at their worst in the early morning. Following each sneeze lies a blow. Imagine the horn on a train when it is nearing a crossing and picture that awaking you in your peaceful slumber. Not pleasant, is it?

I will end this on a note of requesting a favor out of your dear allergies. I will deal with this summers humid allergy season with minimal complaints under one condition. My wedding is next summer... in allergy season 2006. I would greatly appreciate your pity and appreciate for my service on your boogers and the pharmaceutical world and allow me to have an allergy free couple of days... if it's not to much to ask.

Sincerely,
Career Woman

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